Book Couples

Books that would result from unlikely marriages of unlikely authors.

1. How Atlas stopped shrugging, gave up and got a life - Ayn Rand-Vishwanathan

Synopsis: A group of entrepreneurs get fed up with their wives sleeping around with soccer stars. They decide enough is enough and go off to a mountain retreat to learn Shaolin Soccer, along with other arts of getting a 'life'. In the process they decide to plagiarize from their peers and this becomes an accepted habit. Eventually they learn the truth that could shake the very world they're holding up... That John Galt is a soccer star too!


2. Lord of Small Rings - J.R.R.R. The last R stands for Roy

Synopsis: Two fraternal twins set out on the journey of their lives to give back a ring to their local jeweller's as the gold had become too tarnished. On the way they encounter backwaters, over-booked trains, huge armies of orcs and a generally annoying creature which promises to pawn the gold off for much more than its worth. 24 years later they reunite (yeah they got separated somewhere in the middle) and... well, something happens.

3. Fight Point Someone - Chetan Palahniuk

Synopsis: A B-school grad writes about his undergraduate life, which infuriates quite a lot of people. These people find that the only outlet to their anger is to start an underground club, where they fight a mannequin similar to the one in the picture. Eventually, all the people realize they're only fighting themselves, for without them, the mannequin doesn't exist. However, this comes a little too late, leaving the face on the mannequin completely disfigured, landing him in hospital. It also leads to a sequel, titled...

4. The Catch-22 Mistakes of My Life - Chetan Heller

Synopsis: After landing up in hospital, the writer goes through a phase where he rambles incoherently and writes books named similar to the above. Both being the same thing. However, the rest of the people in the hospital turn out to be uncontrollably funny. Seeing this, the writer gets a bright idea and plots his escape citing various excuses, including lunacy. The doctors agree and let him go, leading to the book's eponymous mistake. Also leading to another sequel...

5. Midnight's Children at the Call Center - Chetan Rushdie

Synopsis: You get the drift...

England United

Last weekend was what the Barclays Premier League politely calls 'The International Break'. It's one of those things in the season which no one really cares about, but everyone pretends to understand its importance and the mood attains a grave sense of somberness. It is another matter that I couldn't really care if England beats Ukraine or Poland absolutely mothers San Marino and such. Indeed, it'll be grossly unpatriotic of me to sit up and cheer for our former colonists without compunction. Where is my nationalism, where is my sense of duty to my country, where is my sense of over-excitement over Rahman winning the Oscars...

Though I am now a much mellowed man from the days I used to do this, I still found this weekend to be particularly excruciating. I will credit much of the mellowing to the fact that United has won the League for the past 2 years, the Champs League last year (with Mr. Chelsea 'slipping' on the final spot kick, oh such ecstasy) and already won two trophies this year. Of course, the Club World Cup is more along the lines of those 'movie stars vs industrialists' type games that Indians play now and then. All that however, only leads to heightened expectations from the team that a commentator described perfectly in a game last month - "They're up against the Carling Cup champions, the Champions of England, the Champions of Europe and in fact, the Champions of the World! Tough task."

The reason this weekend was the worst, is because it's been almost a month now since I've seen United win. One month! And adding to the irony is the fact that this was the match against the same opposition, in the same venue, where the shock of the season happened 2 weeks ago. 2 goals down, 2 men down against a mid-table opposition in the same venue where the FA Cup encounter produced a training-ground type 4-0 demolition. Thank God for Sony Pix and its quite random telecasting of the FA Cup (Yes, the same Sony Pix of the Legally Blonde marathon fame. Talk about diversifying).

Teams lose, of course, to other good teams. The 1-4 loss to Liverpool, while gut-wrenching, deserved the feeling 'respect' at the end of it all. Torres is a madman, and Gerrard must be on steroids, there is no way he can add 5 yards of pace to his game over half a season. But still, it's Liverpool. Fair enough. But Fulham??? Their home ground is designed for the 60s, they have a barely functional unit called a team and I don't even know how many managers they've changed in the last couple of seasons. Really, it's just not done.

On top of it all, it's not even that the game coming up is a walk in the park against some Mylapore Mosquitos FC or something, but against Aston Villa. Though on current form, it could be the same.

Actually on current form it would be BSC Young Boys vs Mylapore Mosquitos FC.

And you know that thing where when things go bad, they keep going bad as much as possible? I will now prove that statement conclusively and lay all claims to the contrary to rest, once and for all! For what follows, is the list of goal-scorers over the afore-mentioned 'International Break', for their respective countries of course. And in Europe.

Zoltan Gera - Fulham. The 2 in the 2-0 at the 1960s stadium I mentioned before.
Richard Dunne - Manchester City. That's all. Nothing else.
Michael Ballack (2) - Chelsea. Well actually, Chelski.
John Terry - Chelsea. Who finally got some others in the team who are good.
Brainslav Ivanovic - Chelsea. From Lokomotiv Moscow. Maybe Roman just liked him.
Alexander Hleb - Barcelona. Apparently he's not on Arsenal's injured list anymore.
Eduardo Da Silva - Arsenal. And 'He's waaalllkiingg!!!'
Robin van Persie - Arsenal. And 'He's scoooriinngggg!!!'
Roman Pavlyuchenko - Tottenham. Well, at least he scored for the country.
Robbie Keane - Tottenham. No, Liverpool. No, Tottenham!
Xabi Alonso
Alberto Riera - What is this, Liverpool is Team of the Month or something?
Dirk Kuyt (2)

There's a consolation of course- Martin Skrtel of the above-mentioned Team of the Month putting the ball into his own net. Notice the conspicous absence of any name with a United next to it in the above list. And thusly, my statement stands hence, bloody, proved!