The Umpire Strikes Back
I think it's only fair that after my last post on this comatose, nearly dead blog, I should come back to the same topic for its revival. Oh yes, this is the un-end, my only friend, the un-end. That's the kind of song The Doors would've come up with if they had ODed on Caffeine, and not the other lovely, life-giving substances that they ODed on. Now that the mandatory pop-culture referencing is done, let's get down to why this blog has been dead for so long, and why this is the most appropriate moment in all of time and space when, as Jhumpa Lahiri would've described in her 'Indian' books aimed at a western audience, all the celestial bodies aligned perfectly for the astrologer to confirm that this is the best time for Ashima, I mean, Anand to restart his blog.
If you remember, and it's perfectly understandable if you don't, my last post here was about the pros and cons of this wonderful new city that I've just moved into, in comparison with the wonderful old city that I'd just left behind. Yes, Hyderabad was my inspiration, my new mistress, my new flush of love and all that. Alas, and also, Hyderabad is now a new state capital. Or at least almost is. Caught as we are in the throes of confusion, about who the 'Gults' will be now, and whether the non-Telengana part will still be called Andhra at all, we have all completely missed the bigger picture.
For the fact of the matter is, there are much deeper and profound factors behind all these agitations for a separate state, if only we look closely enough. So why did all the people involved in this do all that they did?
As in any cause-effect analysis, once you've laid out the cause in such bare terms, it is only fair that you figure out the effects of the action as well, and they are as well-intentioned, if not more.
Ok yeah, that's it. Welcome back!
If you remember, and it's perfectly understandable if you don't, my last post here was about the pros and cons of this wonderful new city that I've just moved into, in comparison with the wonderful old city that I'd just left behind. Yes, Hyderabad was my inspiration, my new mistress, my new flush of love and all that. Alas, and also, Hyderabad is now a new state capital. Or at least almost is. Caught as we are in the throes of confusion, about who the 'Gults' will be now, and whether the non-Telengana part will still be called Andhra at all, we have all completely missed the bigger picture.
For the fact of the matter is, there are much deeper and profound factors behind all these agitations for a separate state, if only we look closely enough. So why did all the people involved in this do all that they did?
- It was a completely noble cause right from the beginning. We all know how China will soon catch up with the US, it's economy will outpace it and all such things. Not to be left behind, our protestors wanted India also to catch up with the US, and get to 50 states as soon as we could. The effects are already to be seen. However, there seems to be a lack of consensus on the matter as there is an overlap between two new proposed territories themselves. To explain it in Pineapple Express terms, that will be the product of baby-fucking.
- It was unfair of some groups in Maharashtra to rewrite the history textbooks alone to suit their purpose. That would leave the geography textbooks feeling very unwanted indeed. Hence, this new method, to increase the number of subdivisions under the 'States and Capitals' chapter and make the NCERT Geography book as unrecognizable as its historical counterpart.
- It will give our good friend the traffic constable a lot more papers to ask for before getting to the 'can you put seven' part. 'Do you have papers for the time till it was Andhra? Then do you have papers from when it was not? Do you have NOC for the old number plate? When'll you get the new number plate? Who's our new Chief Minister? What's our Capital now? Can you put seven?'
- It'll increase the IPL franchisee teams massively, and that's always good for the economy right? What's good for Modi, Preity and SRK has to be good for the rest of the 1.32 Billion as well. So now we'll get Gorkhaland Gunners (sorry Arsenal boys) and Telengana Transformers (it's the only natural extension from Chargers). Which will be owned by Megan Fox. Sigh.
As in any cause-effect analysis, once you've laid out the cause in such bare terms, it is only fair that you figure out the effects of the action as well, and they are as well-intentioned, if not more.
- It's now a fundamental right to demand your own state after 7 days on a hunger strike (strict 5-day week, 9 to 6 striking hours only). However, the constitution rewriters are still trying to figure out how to reconcile this with the Right to Food Security Act.
- States will now be like amoeba. Wherever you move, the 100-km radius around that part will be your state. This dynamic border concept is well suited to our fast-changing, ever-shrinking, global-village, other-hyphenated-words world. Also, it takes regionalism out of the picture. You can't be very regionalistic if your region keeps changing with every migrant labourer who just walked into your state. No, his state. No, your state.
- All those people who want to have none of this nonsense can declare themselves to be Union Territories. They'll get tax-free alcohol and people from the neighbouring states will visit them to smuggle out their tax-free alcohol. However, our old friend, the constable will be alert to this fact and will get you at the dynamic border to bury you under his statehood questions. Till you slip him 2 of the bottles, or 30% of total number of bottles. Whichever is higher.
- People like me will get their heads thoroughly muddled like this and spontaneously combust. Which will be taken as a self-immolation protest, and I will be granted my own, spanking new state. Muhahahahahaha...
Ok yeah, that's it. Welcome back!
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