The Umpire Strikes Back

I think it's only fair that after my last post on this comatose, nearly dead blog, I should come back to the same topic for its revival. Oh yes, this is the un-end, my only friend, the un-end. That's the kind of song The Doors would've come up with if they had ODed on Caffeine, and not the other lovely, life-giving substances that they ODed on. Now that the mandatory pop-culture referencing is done, let's get down to why this blog has been dead for so long, and why this is the most appropriate moment in all of time and space when, as Jhumpa Lahiri would've described in her 'Indian' books aimed at a western audience, all the celestial bodies aligned perfectly for the astrologer to confirm that this is the best time for Ashima, I mean, Anand to restart his blog.

If you remember, and it's perfectly understandable if you don't, my last post here was about the pros and cons of this wonderful new city that I've just moved into, in comparison with the wonderful old city that I'd just left behind. Yes, Hyderabad was my inspiration, my new mistress, my new flush of love and all that. Alas, and also, Hyderabad is now a new state capital. Or at least almost is. Caught as we are in the throes of confusion, about who the 'Gults' will be now, and whether the non-Telengana part will still be called Andhra at all, we have all completely missed the bigger picture.

For the fact of the matter is, there are much deeper and profound factors behind all these agitations for a separate state, if only we look closely enough. So why did all the people involved in this do all that they did?

1. It was a completely noble cause right from the beginning. We all know how China will soon catch up with the US, it's economy will outpace it and all such things. Not to be left behind, our protestors wanted India also to catch up with the US, and get to 50 states as soon as we could. The effects are already to be seen. However, there seems to be a lack of consensus on the matter as there is an overlap between two new proposed territories themselves. To explain it in Pineapple Express terms, that will be the product of baby-fucking.
2. It was unfair of some groups in Maharashtra to rewrite the history textbooks alone to suit their purpose. That would leave the geography textbooks feeling very unwanted indeed. Hence, this new method, to increase the number of subdivisions under the 'States and Capitals' chapter and make the NCERT Geography book as unrecognizable as its historical counterpart.
3. It will give our good friend the traffic constable a lot more papers to ask for before getting to the 'can you put seven' part. 'Do you have papers for the time till it was Andhra? Then do you have papers from when it was not? Do you have NOC for the old number plate? When'll you get the new number plate? Who's our new Chief Minister? What's our Capital now? Can you put seven?'
4. It'll increase the IPL franchisee teams massively, and that's always good for the economy right? What's good for Modi, Preity and SRK has to be good for the rest of the 1.32 Billion as well. So now we'll get Gorkhaland Gunners (sorry Arsenal boys) and Telengana Transformers (it's the only natural extension from Chargers). Which will be owned by Megan Fox. Sigh.

As in any cause-effect analysis, once you've laid out the cause in such bare terms, it is only fair that you figure out the effects of the action as well, and they are as well-intentioned, if not more.

1. It's now a fundamental right to demand your own state after 7 days on a hunger strike (strict 5-day week, 9 to 6 striking hours only). However, the constitution rewriters are still trying to figure out how to reconcile this with the Right to Food Security Act.
2. States will now be like amoeba. Wherever you move, the 100-km radius around that part will be your state. This dynamic border concept is well suited to our fast-changing, ever-shrinking, global-village, other-hyphenated-words world. Also, it takes regionalism out of the picture. You can't be very regionalistic if your region keeps changing with every migrant labourer who just walked into your state. No, his state. No, your state.
3. All those people who want to have none of this nonsense can declare themselves to be Union Territories. They'll get tax-free alcohol and people from the neighbouring states will visit them to smuggle out their tax-free alcohol. However, our old friend, the constable will be alert to this fact and will get you at the dynamic border to bury you under his statehood questions. Till you slip him 2 of the bottles, or 30% of total number of bottles. Whichever is higher.
4. People like me will get their heads thoroughly muddled like this and spontaneously combust. Which will be taken as a self-immolation protest, and I will be granted my own, spanking new state. Muhahahahahaha...

Ok yeah, that's it. Welcome back!

Namma Jekyll and Mr. Hyd

More than a month into a new city, I believe I'm qualified enough to hold forth on the merits and demerits of one with respect to the other. For those of you who have not been religiously following my Facebook updates, congrats. There's nothing going on there. But just to clarify for the reader from Glasgow who arrived here through a Google Search for my cleverly popularly-titled blog, and is still reading this, the "new city" in reference is Hyderabad, India. The old city is namma Chennai. Right, on with it then.

Hyd

1. Weather - You knew it was coming, and you wouldn't grudge it. There is no concept of sweat in this city. Which leads to various other benefits such as women retaining their makeup for longer, men not resembling Ussain Bolt and his 9.69 second-effort after a 5-minute walk and most important of all, a distinct lack of frayed nerves. I think it's pretty evident that the use of Autokaaran vocabulary is directly proportional to the amount of sweat running down your brow, arms and various other... um... parts.

2. Autokaaran - As already mentioned, their vocabulary is distinctly curtailed here. That apart, I think this is the only city with the most highly regulated auto system, at least my part of the city. Place A to Place B is 5 to 10 bucks. You will share the auto with 5 other complete strangers. If there's a lady waving the auto down, you go and sit in front with the driver (my arse woman's equality). Autos have specific routes after which they don't operate (which is admittedly a pain in some wee hours when an auto steadfastedly turns you down irrespective of the money offered). Overall, you don't have to talk to the auto guy. No 'petrol velai saaar' or 'one-way saaaar' or '150. No 70. enna saaaar' bargains.

3. Places - This is one question which I had absolutely no clue to in Chennai - 'So where all do we go in Chennai?' Um... the beach? Hyd is one of those Delhi-type places where the Mughals built and left stuff behind. And then of course Chandrababu Naidu built and left stuff behind. So you can go to Charminar, or Hussain Sagar (and Eat Street right beside) or iMax-Central-GVK etc type things. All of which in Chennai terms would be Citi Centre or... or... the other beach.

Chennai

1. Power! - No, not the DMK-holds-Congress-hostage type. Though I think that is a factor in Chennai's pretty darn amazing electricity situation. You will appreciate Neyveli and Koodangulam and those thousands of windmills between Tuticorin and Thanjavur only when you face 3 hours of compulsory load-shedding every day. Especially on Saturdays. To heck with greenhouse emissions, let's burn the lignite I say!

2. Traffic - Yes. Chennai's among the better cities in managing its road traffic. Yes, our Mama has more control over what's going on on his road than the Hyderabad Mama. Yes, our boys stop at red lights. Here, you go on Green, you go on Orange, you slow down and then speed right back up on Red. The Mama doesn't even bother with the moving vehicles. His collection for the day comes from the odd vehicle which mistakenly stops at a red signal. Which is why no one stops in the first place. See the whole vicious cycle thing? The rains don't help the roads either. If there are roads in the first place. Road eh illa tax kaekkarael indhango...

3. Foooood - You can take your iMax and Central and McDonald's and Subways and KFCs and stick it all up your collective arses. Where the heck is my Saravana Bhavan and Sangeetha and Ananda Bhavan? Bloody nonsense, these places have branches in Muscat and Timbuktoo and all, and not in Hyd? Hyd people can't make Dosa to save their lives. Though, to give credit where it's due, they can make Sambhar to save their life and your life and mine and everyone's up until 2050.

So that's the way it stands. As those famous words go- you win some, you lose some.

GMail Fail

Have I or have I not found my first Fail?

Unfair

I think it's unfair that as we near peak oil, increased environmental awareness, and a general aversion to what are fondly called Supercars, this has to come out.

Not to mention my complete economic inability to do anything about it. Oh well, this too shall pass.

[Source: Wired]

Book Couples

Books that would result from unlikely marriages of unlikely authors.

1. How Atlas stopped shrugging, gave up and got a life - Ayn Rand-Vishwanathan

Synopsis: A group of entrepreneurs get fed up with their wives sleeping around with soccer stars. They decide enough is enough and go off to a mountain retreat to learn Shaolin Soccer, along with other arts of getting a 'life'. In the process they decide to plagiarize from their peers and this becomes an accepted habit. Eventually they learn the truth that could shake the very world they're holding up... That John Galt is a soccer star too!


2. Lord of Small Rings - J.R.R.R. The last R stands for Roy

Synopsis: Two fraternal twins set out on the journey of their lives to give back a ring to their local jeweller's as the gold had become too tarnished. On the way they encounter backwaters, over-booked trains, huge armies of orcs and a generally annoying creature which promises to pawn the gold off for much more than its worth. 24 years later they reunite (yeah they got separated somewhere in the middle) and... well, something happens.

3. Fight Point Someone - Chetan Palahniuk

Synopsis: A B-school grad writes about his undergraduate life, which infuriates quite a lot of people. These people find that the only outlet to their anger is to start an underground club, where they fight a mannequin similar to the one in the picture. Eventually, all the people realize they're only fighting themselves, for without them, the mannequin doesn't exist. However, this comes a little too late, leaving the face on the mannequin completely disfigured, landing him in hospital. It also leads to a sequel, titled...

4. The Catch-22 Mistakes of My Life - Chetan Heller

Synopsis: After landing up in hospital, the writer goes through a phase where he rambles incoherently and writes books named similar to the above. Both being the same thing. However, the rest of the people in the hospital turn out to be uncontrollably funny. Seeing this, the writer gets a bright idea and plots his escape citing various excuses, including lunacy. The doctors agree and let him go, leading to the book's eponymous mistake. Also leading to another sequel...

5. Midnight's Children at the Call Center - Chetan Rushdie

Synopsis: You get the drift...

England United

Last weekend was what the Barclays Premier League politely calls 'The International Break'. It's one of those things in the season which no one really cares about, but everyone pretends to understand its importance and the mood attains a grave sense of somberness. It is another matter that I couldn't really care if England beats Ukraine or Poland absolutely mothers San Marino and such. Indeed, it'll be grossly unpatriotic of me to sit up and cheer for our former colonists without compunction. Where is my nationalism, where is my sense of duty to my country, where is my sense of over-excitement over Rahman winning the Oscars...

Though I am now a much mellowed man from the days I used to do this, I still found this weekend to be particularly excruciating. I will credit much of the mellowing to the fact that United has won the League for the past 2 years, the Champs League last year (with Mr. Chelsea 'slipping' on the final spot kick, oh such ecstasy) and already won two trophies this year. Of course, the Club World Cup is more along the lines of those 'movie stars vs industrialists' type games that Indians play now and then. All that however, only leads to heightened expectations from the team that a commentator described perfectly in a game last month - "They're up against the Carling Cup champions, the Champions of England, the Champions of Europe and in fact, the Champions of the World! Tough task."

The reason this weekend was the worst, is because it's been almost a month now since I've seen United win. One month! And adding to the irony is the fact that this was the match against the same opposition, in the same venue, where the shock of the season happened 2 weeks ago. 2 goals down, 2 men down against a mid-table opposition in the same venue where the FA Cup encounter produced a training-ground type 4-0 demolition. Thank God for Sony Pix and its quite random telecasting of the FA Cup (Yes, the same Sony Pix of the Legally Blonde marathon fame. Talk about diversifying).

Teams lose, of course, to other good teams. The 1-4 loss to Liverpool, while gut-wrenching, deserved the feeling 'respect' at the end of it all. Torres is a madman, and Gerrard must be on steroids, there is no way he can add 5 yards of pace to his game over half a season. But still, it's Liverpool. Fair enough. But Fulham??? Their home ground is designed for the 60s, they have a barely functional unit called a team and I don't even know how many managers they've changed in the last couple of seasons. Really, it's just not done.

On top of it all, it's not even that the game coming up is a walk in the park against some Mylapore Mosquitos FC or something, but against Aston Villa. Though on current form, it could be the same.

Actually on current form it would be BSC Young Boys vs Mylapore Mosquitos FC.

And you know that thing where when things go bad, they keep going bad as much as possible? I will now prove that statement conclusively and lay all claims to the contrary to rest, once and for all! For what follows, is the list of goal-scorers over the afore-mentioned 'International Break', for their respective countries of course. And in Europe.

Zoltan Gera - Fulham. The 2 in the 2-0 at the 1960s stadium I mentioned before.
Richard Dunne - Manchester City. That's all. Nothing else.
Michael Ballack (2) - Chelsea. Well actually, Chelski.
John Terry - Chelsea. Who finally got some others in the team who are good.
Brainslav Ivanovic - Chelsea. From Lokomotiv Moscow. Maybe Roman just liked him.
Alexander Hleb - Barcelona. Apparently he's not on Arsenal's injured list anymore.
Eduardo Da Silva - Arsenal. And 'He's waaalllkiingg!!!'
Robin van Persie - Arsenal. And 'He's scoooriinngggg!!!'
Roman Pavlyuchenko - Tottenham. Well, at least he scored for the country.
Robbie Keane - Tottenham. No, Liverpool. No, Tottenham!
Xabi Alonso
Alberto Riera - What is this, Liverpool is Team of the Month or something?
Dirk Kuyt (2)

There's a consolation of course- Martin Skrtel of the above-mentioned Team of the Month putting the ball into his own net. Notice the conspicous absence of any name with a United next to it in the above list. And thusly, my statement stands hence, bloody, proved!

Starting from Zuk

"I'm running towards a cliff, running really hard. I can see it. There's a blood river flowing beneath. So I'm running towards it and... Shit!"

"What, you fell in?"

"You tripped me man"

"I tripped you? Like, put my foot out and tripped you?"

"No... No, not exactly. You put your hand out across my neck, like a clothesline. Then I fell in and starting swimming and going with the flow..."

"If I put my hand out across your neck, how are you still swimming? Wouldn't you be unconscious or something?"

"No... your hand just cut my neck. So now it's bleeding. That's why it's a blood river, see? You've done this to a lot of other people before."

"Oh.... good funda."

"Heck, wolves man! There are wolves waiting on the shore, on the other shore. And now, sharks!"
* * * *

I get the feeling I'm beginning to get repetitive, you know, using the same thing with different people. I use the same coincidences with one person and then the other, and I always wonder when it will all catch up with me. Cos you know, I always feel like they're trying to test me, that between them they find out about the recycling. That's why I always think twice before replying, as it happened the other day, remember? That felt pretty scarily like a test.

* * * *
You know how he was to be cast even originally right? But then he came and the audition went so badly, so flatly, that he had no choice but to look for alternatives. But then he realized that this was a movie he simply had to do, so he came back for another audition, and did this. That's it, role was his. Then he wanted Madsen to do Vincent Vega. But Madsen was like, if we keep doing this same sort of movies with the same sort of roles, we'll get stereotyped. And we don't want that, not Tarantino to get stereotyped. So he asked him to suggest someone for the role, and he said "Travolta".

Update:

Credits: The Doors, David Lynch, Dev D and Dayman ;)

Millineer

No, the title is not a very-clever nod to the two most popular ways by which alcohol is referred to in Tamil. Milli (which is more of a measure, but clearly, one does not drink milk in millis. Ask Dhoni). And neer. Which means water. Which means thanni. You get the idea.

For the more discerning amongst you, the reference to a recently-release, massively-overrated movie would have been inescapable. And funnily enough my post on Overrated Things is just the previous post on this blog (that is to say, I thought I had written reams and reams of unimaginably funny prose after that, that this post would have gone deep into the December archives. It is still in the December archives. It's the only one there. There isn't even a January archive). Coming back to the point, I only regret that I couldn't title that post Slumdog Millionaire. Would have been so much more appropriate.

I will not talk about the sudden English-knowledge gaining of the slumdogs. I will not talk about the Chaiwala answering Call Centre calls (now you see why there's all those complaints about foreign callers being rude to our poor hard-working call centre people? Would you like the tea boy to clarify what the 2.03% additional charge on your credit-card bill is?). I will not talk about a random love story which starts when the kids are 5 (Oh pleeeease!!). I will not talk about the total lack of premise of the host wanting to trip up the upstart (It's not even his bloody money!) or his downright rudeness. I will not talk about the sacrilege about a movie with Anil Kapoor being ranked above A Clockwork Orange (and so many others). On top of it all, I will not talk about the Danny Boyle level-drop (Yes, today is my say-everything-in-brackets day. And hyphens)

I will talk about the background score. Quite lifting and racy, it's the one part of the film which deserves all the noise surrounding it (pun totally unintended). I will talk about the screenplay, because it takes quite an effort to stitch together what is basically a non-existent story into some sort of coherence. Though the premise that is provided for why he knows some of the answers is really quite well-tried (also known as 'acha koshish' in Tamil). I will talk about the kids, and their awesome bonding, after whose exit, you really can close your eyes and just tap your feet to the music alone. I will talk about... gosh, I really am out of other things worth mentioning.

It's not like I have an inherent problem with movies signifying 'hope' and 'spirit' and all that. I like movies with spirit. Like, Devadas, so much spirit in that (reference to title, my, I'm on a roll). It's just so crass an attempt to reach out to the 1.1-Billion market that India is in these times of recession . Once this becomes the basic idea, there simply had to be so much artificiality to just make it happen - an English film about India. There's no reason the movie can't be set in any of the Latin American countries and be called Millonario del tugurioperro. Spanish is quite popular in the US as well. For that matter, if it's supposed to be a stretched-reality movie, for those who don't want to call it fantasy, might as well have made an animated version of it. and released it with a PG rating. At least that way we're spared Dev Patel and Anil Kapoor staring at each other confused about who the villain is and who the hero.

You can see how the book would be nice (haven't read it though). The whole movie is made that way, flipping through page after page. That's ok in a book, the perceived screenplay in your head is the only screenplay. A movie with so much of the 'real deal' words used... really?

I think I would've actually liked the movie if it weren't for all this hype.

As it turns out, I think the only Indian movie that Danny Boyle can feel proud of as of now is Dev D. What. A. Totally. Unapologetic. Movie. Now that, is showing something no one knows, in a totally new, slightly psychedelic, new light. Since this is a post about Millineer, there shall be no further mention of Dev D. But, you know, it's brave. Absolutely brave. Too bad there's only a 'Special Thanks to Danny Boyle' in that. The man who made Trainspotting would've been proud of it. The man who sold out to make Slumdog, maybe not.