(Met)a(l)lice in Wonderland

I've tried to stick to Alice in Wonderland's storyline... (Yeah, right!)


One day, a not-so-long time ago, a boy called Hames Jetfield was feeling very bored. His friend Lars had promised to meet him at his house so that they could go out together, but The Wait was getting to him. He decided that Lars had ditched him and thought to himself, He Ain't My Bitch anymore. Strangely, he felt No Remorse at this decision. Just then Lars turned up, panting for breath, "Sorry, hangover from yest night. I finished off...", he hesitated and continued, "I finished off all the Whiskey in the Jar." He grinned sheepishly.

But Hames wasn't convinced. Shaking his head, he said, "But this is the last straw. In fact, this is The Shortest Straw. For this mistake of keeping me waiting, you shall remain Unforgiven."

Lars replied, "Oh come on, after all, I'm also Human. Besides, you will be Unforgiven Too for letting our dog Escape last week."

Hames calmed down a bit, "Oh, you mean Breadfan? I couldn't help that. I had gone out to get Fuel for the car and when I got back, he had run out and got himself killed. So What? We've got Ronnie, the retriever now, right?"

"But fact is, our old dog will remain Stone Dead Forever now." Lars was adamant.

"Fine, I agree. I'm no Better Than You in such matters. Now, do you promise to come with me Wherever I may Roam?"

"Of course, am I not your Friend of Misery?"

So they set off in their Battery-operated car, the Orion. They soon reached the river flowing near Hames' house and stopped beside a small tree. Hames pointed to a hollow in the tree and told Lars, "I was Killing Time the other day when I found this hollw. If I Disappear into it, just follow me, Ok?" Lars nodded his assent.

Hames gingerly stepped into the hole and felt himself Slither down the tree very fast indeed. Seeing that Hames had indeed disappeared down the hollow, Lars followed him down the tree. He landed with a bump on a hard floor and saw that everything around him had Blackened. "Hey, somebody Hit the Lights", he yelled. As if in answer, the sun began to shine so brightly that Lars had to shield his eyes. "Hames?" Lars called out.

"Down here, Trapped Under Ice." said a far-away voice.

"Ice?" Lars asked incredulously, seeing the sun shining so brightly. But sure enough, over to his left, he saw a lake covered by ice. "How did you get under without breaking the ice?" Lars called out.

"Just come and get me out of this Thing That Should Not Be, will ya?"

Lars reached towards the ice and his hand went through as if it were water! His hand searched for the Helpless Hames, who was undergoing his own Stuggle Within. Lars found Hames' outstretched hand and pulled him out. "Poor Twisted Me", Hames said, shaking himself dry, "Thank my Mercyful Fate that I got out of that alive!"

"It's a special type of gate", they heard a voice from behind. Lars and Hames turned to find a large cat with a huge grin pasted across its face. "Just say Sabra Cadabra and it'll open to let things through." it explained.

"But I didn't say those words!" Hames protested.

"Exactly", the cat replied, grinning wider than ever.

"What...Who are you?" Lars asked, unsure of how to address a talking cat.

"I'm a Cheshire cat and I have to watch over that mouse", it said, pointing to a sleeping mouse, "Until it Sleeps".

"But it's already asleep!" Hames protested again.

"Exactly", the cat said, grinning triumphantly.

Shaking his head, Lars pointed to a huge forest and asked the cat, "And what's over there?"

"That's Where the Wild Things Are, you go the opposite way."

"Go where?"

"Away from that, to where the No Leaf Clovers grow."

Lars turned to Hames and said, "The More I See and hear about this place, the more convinced i am that it is absolutely Stone Cold Crazy."

"I know! I'm beginning to feel like we belong in a Sanitarium!"

Nevertheless, unable to bear the sight of the grinning cat, the two set off in the direction away from the forest...

(To be Contd.)