To be or not to be.
That's not even a question!
Monday, September 25, 2006
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Road-side Cricket
I'm tired of everyone in this universe cursing Chennai's auto drivers every time they have a bad day. A taffic hold-up on the road, a display of rash driving, blatant extortion in the name of meter-less fare... even if they're all true, you can't keep blaming these guys! This is the problem with our country, we don't know how to look at the bright side of things. I mean, step back, detach yourself from your mortal body, and look at it from an unbiased observer's point of view, and you'll see that our Auto drivers make such bloody good cricketers! I shall prove the above statement to you, and then you can give me my Nobel...
Fast Bowlers: This is so obvious that they won't consider such theses for a Nobel. Our Auto Drivers (ADs) have the kind of reckless pace and sheer ruthlessness of a Shohaib or Brett Lee. What's more, they strike fear in the heart of every other commuter on the road, including the one sitting in their own auto. Isn't that what you want a fast bowler to do, strike fear in the hearts of the opposition? Sure, they may be expensive some times, costing a life here or there, but basically they're the kind of option you want to open your bowling with. Fast, focussed and furious.
Batsmen: Ever noticed an auto weave through rush hour traffic? The uncanny ability to pick the smallest of gaps in the field, I mean road, is matched at best by only Sachin. You set a 9-0 field and bowl 3 meters outside off, and you can still be sure our ADs can pick a gap through this. It was Chappell who said Sachin had "peripheral awareness". Clearly, he's not seen enough of our ADs. Leave alone Peripheral Awareness, they also have Policeman awareness, unsuspecting-cutomer-waiting-to-be-taken-for-a-ride awareness and most important of all, signal non-awareness!
Fielders: The most important ability on the field is agility, the ability to twist and turn and generally be on your toes. And as always, our ADs are easily upto the challenge. The U-Turns that they manage to take defies all laws of Physics, Chemistry and Nano-molecular Plant Microbiology. The concept of a turning radius does not exist for the auto, it justs pivots about its back wheels. No dead end is too small for them to turn back from, and so no boundary is too tough to save. With this amount of flexibility and turnability and twistability, you put Kaif up against our AD on the field, and it's a no contest, really.
Spinners: The art of Spin Bowling is not about turning the ball, it's about the one ball which does not turn, or even better, turns the other way. It's called the Googly, and oh boy, our ADs are the last word in perfection of this art. They put the left indicator, stick out the hand on the right and then go straight, throwing a double googly to the bewildered cop at the intersection. We know that the Chennai Cops aren't an easy lot to confuse, but if our boys can manage that with such incredible insouciance, England and all... I'm looking at 64 all out.
Umpires: Not only the players, we can draw people for the ICC's Elite Panel of Umpires too from the ADs. There will be no Hair-raising controversies about ball-tampering, because the auto meters are tampered (putting it mildly) too, and they won't preach what they don't practice. Besides, their fares amount to daylight robbery irrespective of whoever gets into their three-tier, I mean, three-tire coach. Hence, you can be assured of their fairness when they are giving LBWs or close catches. Atleast all decisions will be uniformly wrong.
Commentators: I know I only said players, but most players go into the commentary box stright from the dressing room as soon as they get out anyway, so why should our ADs be any different? And that they have as colourful a language as any number of Tony Greigs and Ravi Shastris put together cannot be denied. It's not that they are lacking in content either. When an AD is in the mood, he can make more sense about the nation's economic situation than P.Chidambaram. And when he's infuriated, he can cause more of a stink than the (in)famous Cooum river. Imagine our eloquent ADs instant reaction if Dravid calls for a suicidal second run when the throw is already coming in... "Dei Kasmaalam, Vootanda Solltu Vanntiya?"...
Ergo.
My Nobel, please?
Fast Bowlers: This is so obvious that they won't consider such theses for a Nobel. Our Auto Drivers (ADs) have the kind of reckless pace and sheer ruthlessness of a Shohaib or Brett Lee. What's more, they strike fear in the heart of every other commuter on the road, including the one sitting in their own auto. Isn't that what you want a fast bowler to do, strike fear in the hearts of the opposition? Sure, they may be expensive some times, costing a life here or there, but basically they're the kind of option you want to open your bowling with. Fast, focussed and furious.
Batsmen: Ever noticed an auto weave through rush hour traffic? The uncanny ability to pick the smallest of gaps in the field, I mean road, is matched at best by only Sachin. You set a 9-0 field and bowl 3 meters outside off, and you can still be sure our ADs can pick a gap through this. It was Chappell who said Sachin had "peripheral awareness". Clearly, he's not seen enough of our ADs. Leave alone Peripheral Awareness, they also have Policeman awareness, unsuspecting-cutomer-waiting-to-be-taken-for-a-ride awareness and most important of all, signal non-awareness!
Fielders: The most important ability on the field is agility, the ability to twist and turn and generally be on your toes. And as always, our ADs are easily upto the challenge. The U-Turns that they manage to take defies all laws of Physics, Chemistry and Nano-molecular Plant Microbiology. The concept of a turning radius does not exist for the auto, it justs pivots about its back wheels. No dead end is too small for them to turn back from, and so no boundary is too tough to save. With this amount of flexibility and turnability and twistability, you put Kaif up against our AD on the field, and it's a no contest, really.
Spinners: The art of Spin Bowling is not about turning the ball, it's about the one ball which does not turn, or even better, turns the other way. It's called the Googly, and oh boy, our ADs are the last word in perfection of this art. They put the left indicator, stick out the hand on the right and then go straight, throwing a double googly to the bewildered cop at the intersection. We know that the Chennai Cops aren't an easy lot to confuse, but if our boys can manage that with such incredible insouciance, England and all... I'm looking at 64 all out.
Umpires: Not only the players, we can draw people for the ICC's Elite Panel of Umpires too from the ADs. There will be no Hair-raising controversies about ball-tampering, because the auto meters are tampered (putting it mildly) too, and they won't preach what they don't practice. Besides, their fares amount to daylight robbery irrespective of whoever gets into their three-tier, I mean, three-tire coach. Hence, you can be assured of their fairness when they are giving LBWs or close catches. Atleast all decisions will be uniformly wrong.
Commentators: I know I only said players, but most players go into the commentary box stright from the dressing room as soon as they get out anyway, so why should our ADs be any different? And that they have as colourful a language as any number of Tony Greigs and Ravi Shastris put together cannot be denied. It's not that they are lacking in content either. When an AD is in the mood, he can make more sense about the nation's economic situation than P.Chidambaram. And when he's infuriated, he can cause more of a stink than the (in)famous Cooum river. Imagine our eloquent ADs instant reaction if Dravid calls for a suicidal second run when the throw is already coming in... "Dei Kasmaalam, Vootanda Solltu Vanntiya?"...
Ergo.
My Nobel, please?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)