This is Part II of a three-part series. If you missed Part I, read it here before proceeding.
As they walked away from the Cheshire Cat, they came upon a scurrying White Rabbit muttering to itself, "Too Late, Too Late, I'm already so late, The Small Hours fly away so quicly. Oh, the Queen will surely put me through that torturous Dyer's Eve for this. Oh dear me, dear me, it's so late..."
"Excuse me," Hames walked up to the rabbit and asked in his most civilized voice, " What exactly are you talking about?"
The Rabbit seemed to have not heard him. It went on lameting, "Oh, I'd rather die than be put through that. For every moment of being in that, To Live is to Die." Suddenly it looked up and noticed Lars and Hames. "Huh, who are you two? You come here looking like Phantom Lords and stand around doing nothing? Any more time spent wastefully here and the Queen will decide you are just Disposable Heroes and have you executed!"
Hames was ammused, "Hero? WOW! Look Lars, we've been here for a single insane hour and we're already the Hero of the Day." Turning to the rabbit, he said, "But tell us, who's this Queen you keep referring to? She seems to be the Master of Puppets around here."
"Why, she's the mother of The Prince, of course." The Rabbit replied nonchalantly.
"Which Prince?" asked Lars.
"Prince Charming, isn't it obvious? And the wife of The King, King Nothing. Oh, she has a terrible Attitude. She's the one who presides over all trials, and in her book, Justice for All means beheading everyone!" Looking at its watch, The Rabbit gave a little shriek, "Yikes! I'd better Blitzkrieg there now, or else the Queen will Seek and Destroy me."
"Hey, wait... wait", Lars called out but the Rabbit was already scurrying away.
"Poor guy, he'll surely be made to Jump in the Fire. He's way beyond being late, he's Over-Late!" Lars and Hames turned to see who was talking and found the cat again, grinning from ear to ear.
"He'll get killed for being late?" Lars asked incredulously.
"No no, killed for being late, Overkilled for being Over-late!" The Cat said with all the finality of the one passing the judgement, "It's Sad But True", it concluded.
"And what makes you Holier Than Thou, that you go around passing judgement on others?"
"I am good, that's what. Good and perfect. Am I Evil? No, i'm not... so I do as I please." And saying so, it started disappearing again.
"Wait, wait... how do you do that? And where do we go now?" Hames asked.
"It's Electric," the cat said, pointing to a small button on its underside, "I push this button here and I can Fade to Black, disappear into the background. You two, just go straight down this path and turn into the first left." And giving those vague directions, it completely disappeared.
Lars and Hames followed the Cat's directions and came upon a house where a March Hare and a Mad Hammet were sitting and drinking tea.
"Whose house is this?" Hames asked, now pretty much convinced that everything in that place could talk.
"This is The House that Jack Built", replied the hare.
"No actually, it's HIS house," interrupted The Hammet, pointing to the March Hare, "What day is it?", he continued in the same breath.
"Tuesday", replied Lars.
"Tuesday's Gone! Today's Wednesday!" said the Hare triumphantly.
"What crap? You people need a Crash Course in Brain Surgery." Hames exploded.
"No no, it's YOU who need that. My Memory Remains as good as ever. It's Wednesday today and what's more, it's tea time!" said The Hammet. They heard a sound of bells in the distance. The Hammet continued, "Listen, it's us For Whom The Bell Tolls. So sit down, both of you."
"Yes, yes tea. And you, Motorbreath", said the Hare, pointing to Lars, "stay away from me, your breath stinks!"
"Why you little..." Lars got up boiling with anger, but Hames held him back. Then he calmed down and said, "No use Wasting my Hate on you, you little pipsqueak." He sat down glaring angrily at The Hare.
"So where's the tea?" Hames asked.
"Why right here, in front of you... But I guess being able to see the tea depends on the Eye of The Beholder", The Hammet explained.
"They have NoTeoPia, they need to get it Cured", shrieked the Hare.
"Yes, yes, you need to do the Devil's Dance", The Hammet concurred.
"What in the name of The God that Failed is that?" asked a thoroughly confused Lars.
But before he could get an explanation, Four Horsemen rode up to them and announced, "Hear ye, Hear ye! All are required to gather at the courthouse, for the trial of The Rabbit..."
(To be concluded)
Friday, October 28, 2005
Thursday, October 20, 2005
(Met)a(l)lice in Wonderland
I've tried to stick to Alice in Wonderland's storyline... (Yeah, right!)
One day, a not-so-long time ago, a boy called Hames Jetfield was feeling very bored. His friend Lars had promised to meet him at his house so that they could go out together, but The Wait was getting to him. He decided that Lars had ditched him and thought to himself, He Ain't My Bitch anymore. Strangely, he felt No Remorse at this decision. Just then Lars turned up, panting for breath, "Sorry, hangover from yest night. I finished off...", he hesitated and continued, "I finished off all the Whiskey in the Jar." He grinned sheepishly.
But Hames wasn't convinced. Shaking his head, he said, "But this is the last straw. In fact, this is The Shortest Straw. For this mistake of keeping me waiting, you shall remain Unforgiven."
Lars replied, "Oh come on, after all, I'm also Human. Besides, you will be Unforgiven Too for letting our dog Escape last week."
Hames calmed down a bit, "Oh, you mean Breadfan? I couldn't help that. I had gone out to get Fuel for the car and when I got back, he had run out and got himself killed. So What? We've got Ronnie, the retriever now, right?"
"But fact is, our old dog will remain Stone Dead Forever now." Lars was adamant.
"Fine, I agree. I'm no Better Than You in such matters. Now, do you promise to come with me Wherever I may Roam?"
"Of course, am I not your Friend of Misery?"
So they set off in their Battery-operated car, the Orion. They soon reached the river flowing near Hames' house and stopped beside a small tree. Hames pointed to a hollow in the tree and told Lars, "I was Killing Time the other day when I found this hollw. If I Disappear into it, just follow me, Ok?" Lars nodded his assent.
Hames gingerly stepped into the hole and felt himself Slither down the tree very fast indeed. Seeing that Hames had indeed disappeared down the hollow, Lars followed him down the tree. He landed with a bump on a hard floor and saw that everything around him had Blackened. "Hey, somebody Hit the Lights", he yelled. As if in answer, the sun began to shine so brightly that Lars had to shield his eyes. "Hames?" Lars called out.
"Down here, Trapped Under Ice." said a far-away voice.
"Ice?" Lars asked incredulously, seeing the sun shining so brightly. But sure enough, over to his left, he saw a lake covered by ice. "How did you get under without breaking the ice?" Lars called out.
"Just come and get me out of this Thing That Should Not Be, will ya?"
Lars reached towards the ice and his hand went through as if it were water! His hand searched for the Helpless Hames, who was undergoing his own Stuggle Within. Lars found Hames' outstretched hand and pulled him out. "Poor Twisted Me", Hames said, shaking himself dry, "Thank my Mercyful Fate that I got out of that alive!"
"It's a special type of gate", they heard a voice from behind. Lars and Hames turned to find a large cat with a huge grin pasted across its face. "Just say Sabra Cadabra and it'll open to let things through." it explained.
"But I didn't say those words!" Hames protested.
"Exactly", the cat replied, grinning wider than ever.
"What...Who are you?" Lars asked, unsure of how to address a talking cat.
"I'm a Cheshire cat and I have to watch over that mouse", it said, pointing to a sleeping mouse, "Until it Sleeps".
"But it's already asleep!" Hames protested again.
"Exactly", the cat said, grinning triumphantly.
Shaking his head, Lars pointed to a huge forest and asked the cat, "And what's over there?"
"That's Where the Wild Things Are, you go the opposite way."
"Go where?"
"Away from that, to where the No Leaf Clovers grow."
Lars turned to Hames and said, "The More I See and hear about this place, the more convinced i am that it is absolutely Stone Cold Crazy."
"I know! I'm beginning to feel like we belong in a Sanitarium!"
Nevertheless, unable to bear the sight of the grinning cat, the two set off in the direction away from the forest...
One day, a not-so-long time ago, a boy called Hames Jetfield was feeling very bored. His friend Lars had promised to meet him at his house so that they could go out together, but The Wait was getting to him. He decided that Lars had ditched him and thought to himself, He Ain't My Bitch anymore. Strangely, he felt No Remorse at this decision. Just then Lars turned up, panting for breath, "Sorry, hangover from yest night. I finished off...", he hesitated and continued, "I finished off all the Whiskey in the Jar." He grinned sheepishly.
But Hames wasn't convinced. Shaking his head, he said, "But this is the last straw. In fact, this is The Shortest Straw. For this mistake of keeping me waiting, you shall remain Unforgiven."
Lars replied, "Oh come on, after all, I'm also Human. Besides, you will be Unforgiven Too for letting our dog Escape last week."
Hames calmed down a bit, "Oh, you mean Breadfan? I couldn't help that. I had gone out to get Fuel for the car and when I got back, he had run out and got himself killed. So What? We've got Ronnie, the retriever now, right?"
"But fact is, our old dog will remain Stone Dead Forever now." Lars was adamant.
"Fine, I agree. I'm no Better Than You in such matters. Now, do you promise to come with me Wherever I may Roam?"
"Of course, am I not your Friend of Misery?"
So they set off in their Battery-operated car, the Orion. They soon reached the river flowing near Hames' house and stopped beside a small tree. Hames pointed to a hollow in the tree and told Lars, "I was Killing Time the other day when I found this hollw. If I Disappear into it, just follow me, Ok?" Lars nodded his assent.
Hames gingerly stepped into the hole and felt himself Slither down the tree very fast indeed. Seeing that Hames had indeed disappeared down the hollow, Lars followed him down the tree. He landed with a bump on a hard floor and saw that everything around him had Blackened. "Hey, somebody Hit the Lights", he yelled. As if in answer, the sun began to shine so brightly that Lars had to shield his eyes. "Hames?" Lars called out.
"Down here, Trapped Under Ice." said a far-away voice.
"Ice?" Lars asked incredulously, seeing the sun shining so brightly. But sure enough, over to his left, he saw a lake covered by ice. "How did you get under without breaking the ice?" Lars called out.
"Just come and get me out of this Thing That Should Not Be, will ya?"
Lars reached towards the ice and his hand went through as if it were water! His hand searched for the Helpless Hames, who was undergoing his own Stuggle Within. Lars found Hames' outstretched hand and pulled him out. "Poor Twisted Me", Hames said, shaking himself dry, "Thank my Mercyful Fate that I got out of that alive!"
"It's a special type of gate", they heard a voice from behind. Lars and Hames turned to find a large cat with a huge grin pasted across its face. "Just say Sabra Cadabra and it'll open to let things through." it explained.
"But I didn't say those words!" Hames protested.
"Exactly", the cat replied, grinning wider than ever.
"What...Who are you?" Lars asked, unsure of how to address a talking cat.
"I'm a Cheshire cat and I have to watch over that mouse", it said, pointing to a sleeping mouse, "Until it Sleeps".
"But it's already asleep!" Hames protested again.
"Exactly", the cat said, grinning triumphantly.
Shaking his head, Lars pointed to a huge forest and asked the cat, "And what's over there?"
"That's Where the Wild Things Are, you go the opposite way."
"Go where?"
"Away from that, to where the No Leaf Clovers grow."
Lars turned to Hames and said, "The More I See and hear about this place, the more convinced i am that it is absolutely Stone Cold Crazy."
"I know! I'm beginning to feel like we belong in a Sanitarium!"
Nevertheless, unable to bear the sight of the grinning cat, the two set off in the direction away from the forest...
(To be Contd.)
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Zen and... Part II
Ok, I'm really sorry... there WAS supposed to be NO sequel to the previous post, WHICH itself was not supposed to be there! It's just that I am working on this "Project" and it's been dragging on and on, what with Shaastra and all (I practically spend ALL my waking moments on the comp... and on one day, the sleeping ones as well!). So these are just filler posts.
But actually, I DO want to tell this... Anirudh obviously won't be impressed, but it was MY first time and it was exhilarating. I took my car out on the ECR, East Coast Road for the uninitiated. This road with straight stretches, not many potholes or bumps and comparitively less traffic (again, for the uninitiated).
I simply love straight shoots. For what is a car worth if you can't shift into the highest gear 10 seconds after you've got moving and then floor the accelerator? This is what the ECR allows you to do. First, Second, Third gears vanish in a blur and you're into Fourth with the Engine purring contentedly as it saddles up for a flat-out run. And I must say, I got as near flat out as I could hope for in an urban environment.
Basically, (Basically, every sentence begins with a Basically) I found out one more thing about my car under these "test" conditions. I saw that I distinctly missed the fifth gear, or Overdrive as it is called. To say that my car was struggling at the speed I just managed to reach would be an understatement. I guess I couldn't have pushed further even if I had wanted to.
So how much DID I reach? This is where the anti-climax takes place. I just managed to raise my bar ever so slightly... Yep, Car Land Speed Record is now at 85kmph.
I guess you are all thinking that maybe I should delete this post...
Maybe I should...
But actually, I DO want to tell this... Anirudh obviously won't be impressed, but it was MY first time and it was exhilarating. I took my car out on the ECR, East Coast Road for the uninitiated. This road with straight stretches, not many potholes or bumps and comparitively less traffic (again, for the uninitiated).
I simply love straight shoots. For what is a car worth if you can't shift into the highest gear 10 seconds after you've got moving and then floor the accelerator? This is what the ECR allows you to do. First, Second, Third gears vanish in a blur and you're into Fourth with the Engine purring contentedly as it saddles up for a flat-out run. And I must say, I got as near flat out as I could hope for in an urban environment.
Basically, (Basically, every sentence begins with a Basically) I found out one more thing about my car under these "test" conditions. I saw that I distinctly missed the fifth gear, or Overdrive as it is called. To say that my car was struggling at the speed I just managed to reach would be an understatement. I guess I couldn't have pushed further even if I had wanted to.
So how much DID I reach? This is where the anti-climax takes place. I just managed to raise my bar ever so slightly... Yep, Car Land Speed Record is now at 85kmph.
I guess you are all thinking that maybe I should delete this post...
Maybe I should...
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Zen and the Art of Driving.
I was just wondering about what to write when my brain, which looks for Anagrams in every single word, went a step further and looked for anagrams in this title itself. The actual title is what it means... an exposition on the not-so-common skill of driving, especially among Chennaiites. But it also anagrams to (or nearly), A Driving of the Zen Art, which would become an exposition on the wonderful art of Zen and the control and composure and skill and mastery that Zen brings to one's life. OR, it could anagram to The Art of Driving a Zen... which would be a subset of the original title, except that it would be limited to driving only this particular make of car called the Zen, made by Maruti Udyog Limited. OR, it could anagram to Of Driving a Zen the Art, which would be total rubbish and indicate that I better get on with the topic...
The Driving itself:
Now you may wonder why me, an average human being who's driven only three powered vehicles all his life, bestowed upon himself the right to lecture others about such an expert thing called driving... I'll tell you why, 'COS I CAN!!! This is MY blog and no one can stop me from doing it, Ha ha ha ha ha ha (evil laugh).
A non-geared two-wheeler is no big deal. The only two things you have to know ABSOLUTELY accurately are it's weight and braking ability. The weight helps you to determine how much you can bend over doing turns and the braking ability obviously determines how long you get between stopping and a meeting with Yama. As you drive more and more, these two things will integrate themselves seamlessly into your driving, that at times you can just stare straight ahead, think of what's cooking at home, and brake exactly at the signal or pick the perfect line at a corner... but mind you, THAT takes a lot of time, till then CONCENTRATE on the road...
A geared two-wheeler is simply a joy to ride. The click of the gears falling into place, the low rumble as the engine revs try to match the gear ratios and the oh-so-smooth ride in the highest gear... ah, after a Kinetic... a bike, ANY bike, is such a wonderful machine. In a bike too, the same two parameters hold, and you'll probably be able to brake later, what with the disk brakes and all. However, the thing to perfect here is the gear-shift- hold the clutch, shift the gear, hear it click in and THEN let go off the clutch...took me quite some time, as i also had to remember which gear to which gear I was shifting. But once you do, it's the most natural thing in the world: Clutch-gear-accelerate...
A car... a car, a car, a car. After the above two, THIS defines power... Don't let go off the clutch in first or the engine will die on you. Get past first and second quickly, caress the vehicle in third to get it warmed up, then get it into fourth and hear the engine... or rather NOT hear it, work at it's highest rev. Again, practice holds the key. The more miles you get under your belt, the better you get at getting off the line in first, the faster and more appropriate your gear-shifts (I've seen people do 20 kmph in fourth!!!, Please...) and the smoother the ride. As time goes by, the car and you feel so close that at points, man and machine integrate into one and it's just like one mind and two bodies interwined in a beautiful expression of power and grace...
The Records:
Well, I'll start with the Kinetic. Thought there are not much empty spaces and Long, empty roads in our Singara Chennai, I've managed to push the needle JUST past that mark of 70k. I mean, there's no MARKING per se between 70 and 80, so let's put it at 72.
Of the two geared bikes I've driven, I've pushed my friend's Victor to 75k... ONE DAY after he bought it... After the exhilirating ride, (he was behind me) we stop at a signal and gently leans over and says "Maccha, you're not supposed to go above 50 for the first 5000 kms... but what the heck! THAT was great!". The other one, a Yamaha, has been at around the same level, 75k I guess.
The CAR is a bigger machine. I gotta be more careful with it, as it is costlier too. So you all thinking I went slower on that right??? WRONG! See, I just had this OPEN, EMPTY road ahead of me one day, I was already in fourth, and that's when i set this record... not much to speak of, but in a city road, I think 80kmph is impressive...
So... that's about that. Dunno why I wrote all this, just felt I had to... mebbe I'll become an auto-journalist one day.
The Driving itself:
Now you may wonder why me, an average human being who's driven only three powered vehicles all his life, bestowed upon himself the right to lecture others about such an expert thing called driving... I'll tell you why, 'COS I CAN!!! This is MY blog and no one can stop me from doing it, Ha ha ha ha ha ha (evil laugh).
A non-geared two-wheeler is no big deal. The only two things you have to know ABSOLUTELY accurately are it's weight and braking ability. The weight helps you to determine how much you can bend over doing turns and the braking ability obviously determines how long you get between stopping and a meeting with Yama. As you drive more and more, these two things will integrate themselves seamlessly into your driving, that at times you can just stare straight ahead, think of what's cooking at home, and brake exactly at the signal or pick the perfect line at a corner... but mind you, THAT takes a lot of time, till then CONCENTRATE on the road...
A geared two-wheeler is simply a joy to ride. The click of the gears falling into place, the low rumble as the engine revs try to match the gear ratios and the oh-so-smooth ride in the highest gear... ah, after a Kinetic... a bike, ANY bike, is such a wonderful machine. In a bike too, the same two parameters hold, and you'll probably be able to brake later, what with the disk brakes and all. However, the thing to perfect here is the gear-shift- hold the clutch, shift the gear, hear it click in and THEN let go off the clutch...took me quite some time, as i also had to remember which gear to which gear I was shifting. But once you do, it's the most natural thing in the world: Clutch-gear-accelerate...
A car... a car, a car, a car. After the above two, THIS defines power... Don't let go off the clutch in first or the engine will die on you. Get past first and second quickly, caress the vehicle in third to get it warmed up, then get it into fourth and hear the engine... or rather NOT hear it, work at it's highest rev. Again, practice holds the key. The more miles you get under your belt, the better you get at getting off the line in first, the faster and more appropriate your gear-shifts (I've seen people do 20 kmph in fourth!!!, Please...) and the smoother the ride. As time goes by, the car and you feel so close that at points, man and machine integrate into one and it's just like one mind and two bodies interwined in a beautiful expression of power and grace...
The Records:
Well, I'll start with the Kinetic. Thought there are not much empty spaces and Long, empty roads in our Singara Chennai, I've managed to push the needle JUST past that mark of 70k. I mean, there's no MARKING per se between 70 and 80, so let's put it at 72.
Of the two geared bikes I've driven, I've pushed my friend's Victor to 75k... ONE DAY after he bought it... After the exhilirating ride, (he was behind me) we stop at a signal and gently leans over and says "Maccha, you're not supposed to go above 50 for the first 5000 kms... but what the heck! THAT was great!". The other one, a Yamaha, has been at around the same level, 75k I guess.
The CAR is a bigger machine. I gotta be more careful with it, as it is costlier too. So you all thinking I went slower on that right??? WRONG! See, I just had this OPEN, EMPTY road ahead of me one day, I was already in fourth, and that's when i set this record... not much to speak of, but in a city road, I think 80kmph is impressive...
So... that's about that. Dunno why I wrote all this, just felt I had to... mebbe I'll become an auto-journalist one day.
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