(Met)a(l)lice in Wonderland

I've tried to stick to Alice in Wonderland's storyline... (Yeah, right!)


One day, a not-so-long time ago, a boy called Hames Jetfield was feeling very bored. His friend Lars had promised to meet him at his house so that they could go out together, but The Wait was getting to him. He decided that Lars had ditched him and thought to himself, He Ain't My Bitch anymore. Strangely, he felt No Remorse at this decision. Just then Lars turned up, panting for breath, "Sorry, hangover from yest night. I finished off...", he hesitated and continued, "I finished off all the Whiskey in the Jar." He grinned sheepishly.

But Hames wasn't convinced. Shaking his head, he said, "But this is the last straw. In fact, this is The Shortest Straw. For this mistake of keeping me waiting, you shall remain Unforgiven."

Lars replied, "Oh come on, after all, I'm also Human. Besides, you will be Unforgiven Too for letting our dog Escape last week."

Hames calmed down a bit, "Oh, you mean Breadfan? I couldn't help that. I had gone out to get Fuel for the car and when I got back, he had run out and got himself killed. So What? We've got Ronnie, the retriever now, right?"

"But fact is, our old dog will remain Stone Dead Forever now." Lars was adamant.

"Fine, I agree. I'm no Better Than You in such matters. Now, do you promise to come with me Wherever I may Roam?"

"Of course, am I not your Friend of Misery?"

So they set off in their Battery-operated car, the Orion. They soon reached the river flowing near Hames' house and stopped beside a small tree. Hames pointed to a hollow in the tree and told Lars, "I was Killing Time the other day when I found this hollw. If I Disappear into it, just follow me, Ok?" Lars nodded his assent.

Hames gingerly stepped into the hole and felt himself Slither down the tree very fast indeed. Seeing that Hames had indeed disappeared down the hollow, Lars followed him down the tree. He landed with a bump on a hard floor and saw that everything around him had Blackened. "Hey, somebody Hit the Lights", he yelled. As if in answer, the sun began to shine so brightly that Lars had to shield his eyes. "Hames?" Lars called out.

"Down here, Trapped Under Ice." said a far-away voice.

"Ice?" Lars asked incredulously, seeing the sun shining so brightly. But sure enough, over to his left, he saw a lake covered by ice. "How did you get under without breaking the ice?" Lars called out.

"Just come and get me out of this Thing That Should Not Be, will ya?"

Lars reached towards the ice and his hand went through as if it were water! His hand searched for the Helpless Hames, who was undergoing his own Stuggle Within. Lars found Hames' outstretched hand and pulled him out. "Poor Twisted Me", Hames said, shaking himself dry, "Thank my Mercyful Fate that I got out of that alive!"

"It's a special type of gate", they heard a voice from behind. Lars and Hames turned to find a large cat with a huge grin pasted across its face. "Just say Sabra Cadabra and it'll open to let things through." it explained.

"But I didn't say those words!" Hames protested.

"Exactly", the cat replied, grinning wider than ever.

"What...Who are you?" Lars asked, unsure of how to address a talking cat.

"I'm a Cheshire cat and I have to watch over that mouse", it said, pointing to a sleeping mouse, "Until it Sleeps".

"But it's already asleep!" Hames protested again.

"Exactly", the cat said, grinning triumphantly.

Shaking his head, Lars pointed to a huge forest and asked the cat, "And what's over there?"

"That's Where the Wild Things Are, you go the opposite way."

"Go where?"

"Away from that, to where the No Leaf Clovers grow."

Lars turned to Hames and said, "The More I See and hear about this place, the more convinced i am that it is absolutely Stone Cold Crazy."

"I know! I'm beginning to feel like we belong in a Sanitarium!"

Nevertheless, unable to bear the sight of the grinning cat, the two set off in the direction away from the forest...

(To be Contd.)

Zen and... Part II

Ok, I'm really sorry... there WAS supposed to be NO sequel to the previous post, WHICH itself was not supposed to be there! It's just that I am working on this "Project" and it's been dragging on and on, what with Shaastra and all (I practically spend ALL my waking moments on the comp... and on one day, the sleeping ones as well!). So these are just filler posts.

But actually, I DO want to tell this... Anirudh obviously won't be impressed, but it was MY first time and it was exhilarating. I took my car out on the ECR, East Coast Road for the uninitiated. This road with straight stretches, not many potholes or bumps and comparitively less traffic (again, for the uninitiated).

I simply love straight shoots. For what is a car worth if you can't shift into the highest gear 10 seconds after you've got moving and then floor the accelerator? This is what the ECR allows you to do. First, Second, Third gears vanish in a blur and you're into Fourth with the Engine purring contentedly as it saddles up for a flat-out run. And I must say, I got as near flat out as I could hope for in an urban environment.

Basically, (Basically, every sentence begins with a Basically) I found out one more thing about my car under these "test" conditions. I saw that I distinctly missed the fifth gear, or Overdrive as it is called. To say that my car was struggling at the speed I just managed to reach would be an understatement. I guess I couldn't have pushed further even if I had wanted to.

So how much DID I reach? This is where the anti-climax takes place. I just managed to raise my bar ever so slightly... Yep, Car Land Speed Record is now at 85kmph.

I guess you are all thinking that maybe I should delete this post...

Maybe I should...

Zen and the Art of Driving.

I was just wondering about what to write when my brain, which looks for Anagrams in every single word, went a step further and looked for anagrams in this title itself. The actual title is what it means... an exposition on the not-so-common skill of driving, especially among Chennaiites. But it also anagrams to (or nearly), A Driving of the Zen Art, which would become an exposition on the wonderful art of Zen and the control and composure and skill and mastery that Zen brings to one's life. OR, it could anagram to The Art of Driving a Zen... which would be a subset of the original title, except that it would be limited to driving only this particular make of car called the Zen, made by Maruti Udyog Limited. OR, it could anagram to Of Driving a Zen the Art, which would be total rubbish and indicate that I better get on with the topic...

The Driving itself:
Now you may wonder why me, an average human being who's driven only three powered vehicles all his life, bestowed upon himself the right to lecture others about such an expert thing called driving... I'll tell you why, 'COS I CAN!!! This is MY blog and no one can stop me from doing it, Ha ha ha ha ha ha (evil laugh).

A non-geared two-wheeler is no big deal. The only two things you have to know ABSOLUTELY accurately are it's weight and braking ability. The weight helps you to determine how much you can bend over doing turns and the braking ability obviously determines how long you get between stopping and a meeting with Yama. As you drive more and more, these two things will integrate themselves seamlessly into your driving, that at times you can just stare straight ahead, think of what's cooking at home, and brake exactly at the signal or pick the perfect line at a corner... but mind you, THAT takes a lot of time, till then CONCENTRATE on the road...

A geared two-wheeler is simply a joy to ride. The click of the gears falling into place, the low rumble as the engine revs try to match the gear ratios and the oh-so-smooth ride in the highest gear... ah, after a Kinetic... a bike, ANY bike, is such a wonderful machine. In a bike too, the same two parameters hold, and you'll probably be able to brake later, what with the disk brakes and all. However, the thing to perfect here is the gear-shift- hold the clutch, shift the gear, hear it click in and THEN let go off the clutch...took me quite some time, as i also had to remember which gear to which gear I was shifting. But once you do, it's the most natural thing in the world: Clutch-gear-accelerate...

A car... a car, a car, a car. After the above two, THIS defines power... Don't let go off the clutch in first or the engine will die on you. Get past first and second quickly, caress the vehicle in third to get it warmed up, then get it into fourth and hear the engine... or rather NOT hear it, work at it's highest rev. Again, practice holds the key. The more miles you get under your belt, the better you get at getting off the line in first, the faster and more appropriate your gear-shifts (I've seen people do 20 kmph in fourth!!!, Please...) and the smoother the ride. As time goes by, the car and you feel so close that at points, man and machine integrate into one and it's just like one mind and two bodies interwined in a beautiful expression of power and grace...

The Records:
Well, I'll start with the Kinetic. Thought there are not much empty spaces and Long, empty roads in our Singara Chennai, I've managed to push the needle JUST past that mark of 70k. I mean, there's no MARKING per se between 70 and 80, so let's put it at 72.

Of the two geared bikes I've driven, I've pushed my friend's Victor to 75k... ONE DAY after he bought it... After the exhilirating ride, (he was behind me) we stop at a signal and gently leans over and says "Maccha, you're not supposed to go above 50 for the first 5000 kms... but what the heck! THAT was great!". The other one, a Yamaha, has been at around the same level, 75k I guess.

The CAR is a bigger machine. I gotta be more careful with it, as it is costlier too. So you all thinking I went slower on that right??? WRONG! See, I just had this OPEN, EMPTY road ahead of me one day, I was already in fourth, and that's when i set this record... not much to speak of, but in a city road, I think 80kmph is impressive...

So... that's about that. Dunno why I wrote all this, just felt I had to... mebbe I'll become an auto-journalist one day.

Sacrilege!

The title has absolutely no bearing with what is going to follow in this article. It was just the first thought that popped into my head when I saw that my last post was more than a month back. And to make matters worse, in the whole intervening period, I’ve had FREE Internet!!! Of course, THAT itself could be the reason for the lack of activity on the Blog. I mean, handing over free Net to a teenager is like letting a kid loose in Disneyland...

Actually, I’ve been planning to write this from Independence Day... I’m a fortnight late! Anyway, I got all patriotic and everything and my heart welled with pride on Independence Day to see what great progress our country has made. 58 years of Independence, a 100-crore population, 33 lakh square kms of land area with more than half dedicated to agriculture, ten perennial rivers, one and a half lakh industries...(sounds familiar??? No prizes for guessing the movie;))

And yet...

It’s the small things, which affect our daily life, which play a role in our everyday actions that still remain pathetic. Of course, I could worry about our 8.8% unemployment rate or our imports exceeding the exports by a few thousand billion dollars. But to say the truth, none of those directly affects my life in any way and there’s nothing much I can do about any of them. What DOES make me feel sorry for the state of our country is...

Note: These incidents are not necessarily in chronological order.

The other day, a friend of mine had this electrical problem in his room. The capacitor in the fan had burnt off and now the fan was rotating in the opposite direction when switched on! The burnt capacitor was also giving off alarming smells at levels of calling in the fire brigade. That apart, the monitor was flickering dangerously and basically the wiring system in the room was gone, finished, kaput… So he calls in the electrician, who promises to come at 2 o’clock. 2 o’clock comes and goes, so do 3, 4 and 5 o’clock. He finally arrives punctually at 5:30 and promptly gets himself shocked by touching some unearthed wire. Nothing happens of course, but only then does he realize he has some SERIOUS work on his hands. So, three hours of delay and a “shocking” experience later, my friend has a working electric supply.

This could be a city-specific problem, but it’s a problem nevertheless. For the Autos in Chennai, the concept of meters simply doesn’t exist. It is just an appendage, and they get fancier too, like electronic ones. But step up to an auto and he says “80 rupees”. That’s all, no arguments. Of course, you can reel off all the info about mileages and petrol rates that you have judiciously calculated for your own vehicle, and you’ll be met with a frown or a very disdainful reply. After all, don’t they know best??? Oh, and from the same place that you paid 80 bucks to get to, the return could cost you 90! Why? “Sir, one of the roads is a one way, I have to detour.” Yeah right, like I don’t know that the detour is barely a km extra and surely not worth 10 bucks...

This is a good one. The above-mentioned “own vehicle” is a Kinetic Honda. I had lost the key for this vehicle and as my luck would have it, no duplicate was available. So I had to give it to the service center to change the lock set. He promised to have it ready in two days. The promised day, I got a bit delayed and had to feverishly use some three modes of transport, including a borrowed cycle, to get to the garage in time. There was my vehicle, with a gleaming new lock as promised and its set of keys. I happily take the keys, impressed with the service center, and out of sheer habit, try to lock the vehicle. Wait a minute, the key isn’t turning! Push it in and turn, the mechanic says. OH yeah, like I don’t know THAT. He valiantly steps up to help and makes all sorts of faces in an effort to lock it. It doesn’t happen. With a sheepish grin, he asks me to wait and I spend the next hour sweating in an automobile garage waiting for a vehicle that was promised to be delivered to me when I came...

It was raining in Chennai! Sheets of white water were pouring down on the road and grass and mud and whatever else make up the contours of Chennai. And needless to say, the roads soon became a soggy mess, there was enough water in the middle of the playground to conduct the Olympic swimming trials, and a sewage pipe had burst somewhere and so the stagnant water was not exactly from the heavens any more. All these could be common civic problems that can never be solved to perfection. But here’s the killer. After a walk through this mess, I had mud and water splattered all over me and so I go into the bathroom for a wash. I open the pipe, and I get... Air!!! Hello, wasn’t someone talking about rainwater harvesting??? There has just been a mini deluge and the water pipe still thinks it’s an air pump. I mean, this is where you reach heights of irony...

I could go on- the yellow water called Rasam in the mess (seriously, if they use normal Chennai water, it’ll have enough salt in it to give it SOME taste... but they very hygienically use mineral water!), the loss of a cycle that I had barely had for 8 hours, apparently unfair cricket-team selections, roads dug up at arbitrary places for NO apparent reason, so on and so forth. It’s just that these small things put me off at times, get the adrenalin rushing. I’m a peace-loving man, believing that anything can be solved with a smile and a kind word. But sometimes it is so hopeless, just so irritating and you get all worked up and you just wish that you could... you could...

Anniyan Avadharithuvittaan.